I've been trying to figure out why, when I feel most stressed, I reach for my camera. It happened again today. It's been an emotionally charged week, and I haven't handled it well. I've been a mean mom, a complaining wife, and the kind of friend who vacillates between isolation and unfiltered venting. My head was spinning and I felt an explosion coming; so I kicked my kids out into the 100 degree heat with a platter of watermelon. But a few pieces fell on the way, so I ran inside to throw a tantrum.
And that's when I picked up my camera.
I think grabbing the camera has become a way for me to process and organize the chaos. If even for a split second, the madness aligns in a way that makes sense. It happens so quickly that I don't even really see it--I kind of just feel it. It's like when you see something out of the corner of your eye. You know it was there, but you can't describe it, and you wonder if it actually happened. But when I press the shutter, I get to see it, and the image becomes proof that it did happen. And this gives me incredible satisfaction!
Also, my camera forces me to focus on what is literally right in front of me. I'm a horrible multi-tasker; which means when my brain is filled with thoughts that are stressing me out, it's all I can think about. I don't see what's going on around me. Putting my camera to my face makes me stop thinking so I can start looking (because I can't do both at the same time). Putting my camera to my face is like a chance to come up for air.
And so the following images are my proof that today, for a few moments, the chaos made sense...and I breathed.